Thursday, September 15, 2005


I struggled through the entire day. A horrid sense of unrest and an unforgiving feeling of not belonging. I wanted to cry most of the day. I don't know why other than Jackie seems to be withdrawing more and more. I thought she might be angry with me, but it seems that she is not. I try to become invisible when people are angry with me. Kerstin says that it is due to the trauma that came with anger when I was a youngster. I need to find another way to deal with other people's feelings. I guess I should try to identify the cycle and see where I can break it, before I begin to feel unwanted and alone. Instead of trying to talk with Jackie about how she was feeling, I set her about to crocheting an afgahn. She has been asking me to teach her for the last several weeks. I think that she is struggling with Mark these days and needs something to keep her mind occupied. It sounds like he is treating her rather poorly and vice versa. I finished my book, Girl Interrupted by Suzanna Kaysen. What a good book. No where as intense as the movie and other than the names of the character, nothing else is the same. It is presented in a rather flat way, but and easy read. I don't know if I would recommend it to anyone, but it was a gentle break from the SO books that I read so often. I sometimes look at Jackie as 'interrupted'...I suppose anyone whe has experienced a traumatic experience can be considered 'interrupted.' Jackie tries so hard to be tough and self reliant, but she struggles everyday just as I do. I worry for her.


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