Thursday, September 15, 2005

i need a job...and some other stuff

so i feel like a little kid again. i wake up on the floor, sit around.....don't have anything to do. maybe its not little kid, maybe its "i have no idea what i'm doing" syndrome. i kid you not i havent' done anything in nearly three days, nor have i eaten anything because i don't feel the need to waste the carbohydrates on lazyniss. so i discovered the wonderful yet painful somehting......i have nothing to write about.....okay here's the thing...i miss my friends in a sort of not miss anyone sort of way...i spend lots of time sitting in someone elses house thinking of what i could or maybe be doing. sitting here, i just kinda dream about stuff, what sort of job i could have, the magicians nephew, food, excercizing, homosexuality, death, God, friends, christofori's dream, my dream, college, what the fuck am i doing? but not really, then i just know i'm not supposed to know, in a sick, sad, faith sort of way. wow...i'm hungry for milk, chris doesn't drink milk....i want lots of money, no rent, a new car, less of a complete feeling of hopeless ness and the ability to actually have any form of relationship without hurting someone have you ever had the feeling you just mess with people's minds when really you know they are messing with yours? i've always had the ability to just make people be my friend, when really, i think everyone pretends to be, or something and then when they are hurt because of my overpowering self worth arh, i have no idea what i want to say....maybe its just that i miss stuff, even though i'm heartless....i guess freedom is cool. i want to be at college with some of my friends...i want to move to scotland....why can everyone else do there thing? i have to do someone else's. NO, i have to choose to do someone elses. that makes me feel horribly useless yet all important all at once. the thing is, im doing this for myself truely and not another person....yet i feel weird like i'm seperated from all human life.....cuz i am.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

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